Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
