what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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