i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
