You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
