Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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