you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
