Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Text me some of your sweat
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
