just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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