my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
