Tell her she can't have a vagina
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
