I wish life had little blips of pornography
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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