Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I could make wine with my vomit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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