# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize