a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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