I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
