I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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