how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
