The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
