I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
