I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This baby is an asshole
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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