Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
