my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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