Where did you get a picture of my penis
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
