Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
