dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
