New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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