whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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