I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
