Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
