nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
