Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
