non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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