my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
