Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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