wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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