took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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