quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
