Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize