pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
