I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
sarcasm needs its own font
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
