I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
