WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
