my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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