Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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