They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
