Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
