Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
