Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
