i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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