You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
