I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize