I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
