I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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