i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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