I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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